The next time you are feeling just a little bit self-important click here:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:   My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:   No , I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:   I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:   He's 20 , much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:   Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:   Getting laid

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:   By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:   Take a guess.

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:   All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:   Oral...

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:   If not , he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Daylilies and Spouses-

The following is an actual post from the AHS e-mail robin to which I belong(printed with permission)

John died last fall.  He did not like gardening. Which didn't mean that he did not like gardens .  He enjoyed a
beautiful garden, as long as it did not entail any actual labor on his part.  He happily accompanied me to the
International Rose Test Garden, to the Japanese Garden and to the Rhododendron Garden.

I  just could not get any help in MY garden.   Or with ANY  of my garden projects, large or small.  So I worked alone,
but kept telling him that sooner or later I would find a way to get him to help.  "Over my dead body" was his usual

All of us came together from several states to Portland, Oregon, for the funeral in the town he has born and raised in.    
There is a family crypt there, the resting place of other family members.  My daughters' garden above the Columbia
river supplied armfuls of roses for the service at the church, the roses later to be placed in the crypt, around the urn.

So, it was with a possibly, slightly malicious spite, that I left the mausoleum after the interment of his ashes, carrying
the tiniest vial in my purse.  A few days later, I flew home to my garden, and put part of him into one of the beds.If he
wouldn't help before he died, he could darn well help after, if only by supplying a few nutrients for the daylilies.  

After all, he himself did say, over my dead body.
JOANNIE Bartolone
Paris Hilton To Operate New Atom Smasher
Sonal Clarke
Paris Hilton violated by Gypsies
tanvir bluffer
Paris Hilton selling her 'used' underwear on eBay!

Polar Bear Finds Yoga Great For Flexibility, But
Murder On The Balls
Queen Elizabeth abducted in Tibet
Michael Jackson Feels A Little Prick
Lohan Sentenced To Swabbing Morgue Corpses
Bush Averts Albanian Uprising By Invading Alabama

Jesus Christ To Star In Next Series Of Big Brother
Look attractive with a larger jackhammer
Salmaan Cunhavale
Britney Spears Admits "My Vagina Made Me Shave
My Head Bald"
"brainstorming" To Be Banned Under Equality And
Diversity Rules
Fat Chinese Man Kills And Eats Brother Because He
Was Hungry
andres jiachen
To: rich Scientific Evidence Proves Hillary Full Of Crap
ewart farrell
To: rich Shocking Video Shows Spongebob And Gay
bertrando garth
To: rich You're a moron
These are actual e-mails I have received  (and did not open)

Thank you all for these gems--especially you bertrando!